Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I am feeling ignored

and that always leads my thinking astray.  I am posting this here because I know my emotional baggage has alot to do with my weigh issues.. (plus less people read this blog). 

My mind has been a mess over the last few hours.. it started with me being upset at a common statement made by my husband.  He wanted me to make a call regarding Angel Food Ministries.. and I just dread calling people and places I am not familiar with.. his statement.. "it's not that big of a deal".. well, yes it is .. and I told him that unless he is in my shoes (60% hearing loss) he will never understand how much it effects me!  so I start stewing in anger as I made my bed, got dressed, etc.. and my thoughts led me to Anna..  She is 8 years old.  It wasn't that long ago that David was 8.  I was homeschooling him.  He was active in church and had friends at home (since I did home daycare).. I married Angel when he was 10.  He started public school soon after and it all went downhill from there education wise.. however, I still feared that it was my fault.. I wasn't good at schooling him.. I was a failure and he was not able to keep up.. I literally even had someone tell me that to my face!  Was it me??

Now what about Anna?  After the entire ordeal with the public school system.. My husband decided Anna would be homeschooled.  So here I am .. Anna is 8 years old.  this has been a different experience completely.. but.. what if I am messing her up.  She doesn't have as many friends as David did.. She does attend 3 ballet/tap classes a week and is around children.  We are not attending a church right now and when we did there was only the pastor's children.  I still don't drive so we are not part of a homeschooling co-op.. not that it would matter because I am extremely shy and don't do well in crowds.. so seriously.. would driving actually make a difference?  Or is it my insecurities that are in the way?  Honestly driving would be the number one thing most people would say I have to overcome.. but I can't practice driving because I can not turn in my seat to look out the back window.. so yes.. boils down to weight.. insecurities.. alot has to do with weight and how I look at myself.  So is it the homeschooling that I feel I am failing at.. or does it all begin with my insecurities??  Did I mess up David and now Anna is going on the same path?? 

You know what else.. today I feel lonely.. just plain lonely.. I feel like nothing I say matters.. it barely matters to my husband these days.. it doesn't matter to anyone online.. no one really reads or enjoys the they??  Am I any happier being married now then I was when David was 8 and I was single?  There were more people present in my life back then.. I had my cousin who I saw almost daily.. I had mom, angie.  I had daycare kids around me alot.. I was needed.. I had Angel visiting on weekends and he devoted his entire visit to me.  Did I feel lonely back then?? 

I think I can honestly answer yes.. I did.. because there were always those moments when I would feel lonely.  I hated being a single mom in that I felt David didn't have a role model.  I may be able to look back and think, wow my life was great.. but you know.. I still felt insecure at church.. even more so because at this point my friend had moved to Oklahoma.. I had no one to really count on in church.. I was too old for the teens and didn't fit in with the married ladies my age.  I hung out with teens at church and the mom's were not happy with me.. I just felt so wrong all the time. 

Now.. let's see.. there is my husband, who is wonderful but doesn't always understand me.  David is home and while he has had a life of mistakes he has also been doing wonderful!  Abby, his girlfriend.. there is just no one better that I could ever ask for.. she is a sweetheart.  She is wonderful and caring and just amazing.  I get to see Ethan daily as opposed to last year when I was not allowed to see him at all.  The homeschooling with Annaleah is so totally different than it was with David, so many different curriculums and styles.  As I write this I am frustrated with her vocabulary work.. but I think this is more of a discipline issue .. however, I make it all about homeschooling..

So .. where does my issues stem from.. is it back to the self-esteem problem I have.. Do I allow Satan to put all these thoughts into my head at my lowest?  Am I too hard at myself?  Am I really a great wife and mom or do I just do a good job at hiding all my worse moments?? 

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