Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Day 120

I just finished 20 minutes of last night's Biggest Loser.  At one point, Michael from the white team (and the biggest contestant ever at over 500lbs) had to watch Bob put on 303lbs of weights.  It was pretty hard to watch and Bob was definitely not happy about it.  He asked Michael how he could walk around with all that weight every day.. Michael's response.. It is the only thing I know. 

That is totally the truth with me also.  Being overweight is the only thing I know.  I was born small.. (5lbs8oz) but by the age of 4 I was this round butterball.  My Grandma on my dad's side fed me alot of things during the time she watched me.  Mom had to pull me out of that situation after overhearing me get yelled at for not eating.. I remember Mom had some rules for me.. no bread with potatoes or pasta.. we ate fruits and such.. I know at around 8 I think I was pretty healthy and slim...  at roughly 12 I started to develop and gain weight.  It was progressive, 10lbs here, 10lbs there.. it never stopped.  At that point mom had to work outside the home and dad took care of the foods.. well dad uses food as a means to showing love and didn't pick the healthiest choices.. and my weight progressed.. It has never really stopped.  Now my highest has been 356.  I have sleep apnea.  I have hurt my knee and still deal with that.  Stairs are hard.. this is my life.  I have not ever been able to run.. not even as a teen.. I remember having to run laps in PE and I couldn't breathe.. it was a very scary moment.. but I couldn't stop because I didn't want the PE teacher to yell at me..

This is normal for me.. I don't know anything else.. I certainly don't remember what it felt like during the ages 8-12.. although I do remember liking my shirts tucked in.. something I would never do in the future.  The other day I was filling out a form on webmd healthy eating site.. it asked me.. at what weight did you feel best as an adult.. umm.. how do I know?  I have never felt good as an adult!!!  Wow.. this is sad. 

With that being said..I weighed in at 331.5 this am.  Eating was not good.. I was stressing yesterday badly.  Today I rode for 20.. 3.08 miles..

maybe someday I will know what it feels like to be at a good weight. 

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