Monday, February 8, 2010

Day 146

Weigh in - 334

Haven't been focusing on weight or food at all.. Just been dealing with daily life. I know I need to get on track.. but deep down I think I am avoiding because the nieces will be here next week and therefore being accountable and biking will be non-existent.. sigh.

BF - 1/8 of Farmer's egg casserole (in my cookbook), 4 slices of toast (I know.. horrible)
L - 2 slices of spam, 2 slices of bread, mayo
SN - bag of 100 cal snack
D - A1 Burger at Burger King with med onion rings
SN - Hummus and 1 1/2 slice of tortilla made into chips

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Day 141

Weigh in 335.5
Biked 3.12 miles

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Day 140

Weigh in - 337 - Whew!  Thankful that it is not an E. 

I am about to go put in my totals for yesterday.. I did good surprisingly.. it was hard though. 

Biked 3.3

Monday, February 1, 2010

Day 139

Terrible, horrifying!  I am back on E.  I biked every day this week but I have dreaded calorie counting.  It is so bad right  now.  I have to do this.  I have to start counting today.. but I don't wanna!!

I biked.. 3.33 miles.. I really wanted to just skip it.  Why is this so hard?!

Breakfast 295 cal 50 carbs
biked another 20 min - 3.22 miles
Lunch - 290 cal 14 carb
Dinner - 445 cal 14 carb
snacks throughout the day 540 cal, 40 carb

total cal - 1,569
Total carb - 118

Friday, January 29, 2010

Day 136

Biked 3.20 miles.. and watched  more TBL. 

Nothing much to report except I need to freeze those huge buckets of chicken David brought home last night.. wow!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Day 135

Still refusing to weigh in here.. Did ride my bike yesterday and today.  Yesterday 3.20 miles, today 3 miles. 

Yesterday was a huge accomplishment in riding because my emotions were really bad.  I had been crying all night long.. and when I do that I will not ride or do anything that seems like work.  I am grateful that this is becoming a morning habit as well as doing my bible reading first thing. 

The biggest loser.. wow... I agree with everyone on Michael.  He is definitely wasting his opportunity.. but as with most of the contestants.. I would have also respected Maria's wishes.  Maybe this will push Michael to really try harder. 

the red team wow.  I just knew that was going to happen.  Next week looks explosive! 

right now food eating isn't going as well as is should.  I am hoping to get this biking down and make small changes with eating.  It is difficult when I am very emotional.  Good thing there are not really much junk food in the house.. I have been craving chocolate cake or brownies.. and I am just too lazy to make it myself!  However, there is plenty of bread for toast.. My major weakness. 

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Day 133


Well, I rode my bike today.. 20 min - 3.20 miles. 

Also watched part of last week's biggest loser..

Migdalia.. wow.  I don't remember seeing so much tension in the house.  However, I will say this season seems to have the friendliest contestants.. no one is trying to make waves.. every cares for each other.. and like seriously.. 2 pieces of candy at the temptation and we already have a winner.. who already regrets having to make the decisions and tries to be fair.  You just don't see much competition going on.. yet. 

I am thinking I need to really track my food.  I will attempt to do spark today.  We'll see how that goes. 

Monday, January 25, 2010

Day 132

Am I ever going to get it together?? Seriously?  I didn't think I have been eating much but I get on the scale today and I am 337.5!  How did that happen??  Of course I woke in alot of pain - back, right side and liver.  So biking is out right now.  Maybe I just need to go back to tracking food.. maybe I am grabbing snacks when I shouldn't be, without realizing it.  I just want to cry!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Day 128

Biked 3.47miles in 20.. resistance 1/2 way

still did not weigh in.. but feeling better about the biking .. especially when I haven't biked since monday. 

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Day 127

Again no weigh in or biking.. 1st and 2nd day is always the worst time for me.. Right now I am just trying to eat moderately.  I think I did fairly well yesterday.  I had a chicken wrap for lunch, cereal for breakfast and bimbambop for dinner.. and I think the only snacks were a banana, 100 cal snack bag and popcorn.  and only about 4oz of root beer. 

Just gonna keep going at it.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Day 126

Did not weigh in and did not bike.  During my "monthly", I have issues with my liver.  It is very painful and very hard to bike with.  So I will not even attempt that today.  I will however, keep working on the food issues.  I need to find that quiche recipe I made a long time back.  I had made individual servings in muffin tin and popped them into the freezer.. it was great for a quick and easy breakfast. 

Monday, January 18, 2010

Day 125

Weighed in at 332.5 ugh...

but what do I expect after a weekend of eating whatever I wanted at any time..

maybe it is time to toss those cookies I made last week.  Especially since I am the only one eating them?

Let's see.. if I back track honestly..

thurs - after dance, we went to the new Popeyes.. I had 3 wings and cajun fries..
Friday - we went grocery shopping.. ate a whopper with bacon and cheese
Saturday - home all day but snacked alot. western omelet with kimchi for late breakfast,  two pot pies for dinner.. geez
Sunday- cheese omelet with 2 toast, lunch 2 kfc wingettes and 2 strips with ranch dressing, dinner indian palak paneer dinner potato samoasa.. too many of those cookies in between.  then a grapefruit oh and lots of peanuts..

Ok.. seriously.. we went shopping, I have fruits, I have lots of eggs..  I need to do better food preps and have menus planned.  Can not continue down this road.. no no no.  Need a plan!

Hey, but good news so far!  I biked 3.5 miles in the 20 min.. I have never done that in the past year!   whoo hooo!!!

and I almost didn't even bother biking..

Food update *

Peppermint tea - 1tsp sugar, banana
2 over easy eggs, 2 toast, 1 tsp butter, 1/2 grapefruit, 1ts sugar
1 chicken salad sandwich, 4 cookies (ugh), 1 apple
**  started my monthly ** explains alot! 
2 chicken strips with ranch dressing
1 chicken patty on a bun with mayo and mozz cheese and fries,  glass of root beer
1/2 grapefruit with less than a tsp of sugar

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Day 121

once again 331.5.. not gonna stress.. too many cookies.. need to stop ..

yesterday my mood was so bad that was all I wanted.. food.  the one good thing is going to bed at 9 means no nighttime eating.. I served the family jello then hit the sack. 

biked again for 20 min but that was only 2.88 miles. 

The part of the biggest loser that hit me the most was Maria's fear of water.. she let that fear beat her.  That would so be me.. I live around my fears.. my fears control my life.  I know that.. no one needs to tell me or remind me.  I live with it.. My dad lived with it.  What more can I say. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I am feeling ignored

and that always leads my thinking astray.  I am posting this here because I know my emotional baggage has alot to do with my weigh issues.. (plus less people read this blog). 

My mind has been a mess over the last few hours.. it started with me being upset at a common statement made by my husband.  He wanted me to make a call regarding Angel Food Ministries.. and I just dread calling people and places I am not familiar with.. his statement.. "it's not that big of a deal".. well, yes it is .. and I told him that unless he is in my shoes (60% hearing loss) he will never understand how much it effects me!  so I start stewing in anger as I made my bed, got dressed, etc.. and my thoughts led me to Anna..  She is 8 years old.  It wasn't that long ago that David was 8.  I was homeschooling him.  He was active in church and had friends at home (since I did home daycare).. I married Angel when he was 10.  He started public school soon after and it all went downhill from there education wise.. however, I still feared that it was my fault.. I wasn't good at schooling him.. I was a failure and he was not able to keep up.. I literally even had someone tell me that to my face!  Was it me??

Now what about Anna?  After the entire ordeal with the public school system.. My husband decided Anna would be homeschooled.  So here I am .. Anna is 8 years old.  this has been a different experience completely.. but.. what if I am messing her up.  She doesn't have as many friends as David did.. She does attend 3 ballet/tap classes a week and is around children.  We are not attending a church right now and when we did there was only the pastor's children.  I still don't drive so we are not part of a homeschooling co-op.. not that it would matter because I am extremely shy and don't do well in crowds.. so seriously.. would driving actually make a difference?  Or is it my insecurities that are in the way?  Honestly driving would be the number one thing most people would say I have to overcome.. but I can't practice driving because I can not turn in my seat to look out the back window.. so yes.. boils down to weight.. insecurities.. alot has to do with weight and how I look at myself.  So is it the homeschooling that I feel I am failing at.. or does it all begin with my insecurities??  Did I mess up David and now Anna is going on the same path?? 

You know what else.. today I feel lonely.. just plain lonely.. I feel like nothing I say matters.. it barely matters to my husband these days.. it doesn't matter to anyone online.. no one really reads or enjoys the they??  Am I any happier being married now then I was when David was 8 and I was single?  There were more people present in my life back then.. I had my cousin who I saw almost daily.. I had mom, angie.  I had daycare kids around me alot.. I was needed.. I had Angel visiting on weekends and he devoted his entire visit to me.  Did I feel lonely back then?? 

I think I can honestly answer yes.. I did.. because there were always those moments when I would feel lonely.  I hated being a single mom in that I felt David didn't have a role model.  I may be able to look back and think, wow my life was great.. but you know.. I still felt insecure at church.. even more so because at this point my friend had moved to Oklahoma.. I had no one to really count on in church.. I was too old for the teens and didn't fit in with the married ladies my age.  I hung out with teens at church and the mom's were not happy with me.. I just felt so wrong all the time. 

Now.. let's see.. there is my husband, who is wonderful but doesn't always understand me.  David is home and while he has had a life of mistakes he has also been doing wonderful!  Abby, his girlfriend.. there is just no one better that I could ever ask for.. she is a sweetheart.  She is wonderful and caring and just amazing.  I get to see Ethan daily as opposed to last year when I was not allowed to see him at all.  The homeschooling with Annaleah is so totally different than it was with David, so many different curriculums and styles.  As I write this I am frustrated with her vocabulary work.. but I think this is more of a discipline issue .. however, I make it all about homeschooling..

So .. where does my issues stem from.. is it back to the self-esteem problem I have.. Do I allow Satan to put all these thoughts into my head at my lowest?  Am I too hard at myself?  Am I really a great wife and mom or do I just do a good job at hiding all my worse moments?? 

Day 120

I just finished 20 minutes of last night's Biggest Loser.  At one point, Michael from the white team (and the biggest contestant ever at over 500lbs) had to watch Bob put on 303lbs of weights.  It was pretty hard to watch and Bob was definitely not happy about it.  He asked Michael how he could walk around with all that weight every day.. Michael's response.. It is the only thing I know. 

That is totally the truth with me also.  Being overweight is the only thing I know.  I was born small.. (5lbs8oz) but by the age of 4 I was this round butterball.  My Grandma on my dad's side fed me alot of things during the time she watched me.  Mom had to pull me out of that situation after overhearing me get yelled at for not eating.. I remember Mom had some rules for me.. no bread with potatoes or pasta.. we ate fruits and such.. I know at around 8 I think I was pretty healthy and slim...  at roughly 12 I started to develop and gain weight.  It was progressive, 10lbs here, 10lbs there.. it never stopped.  At that point mom had to work outside the home and dad took care of the foods.. well dad uses food as a means to showing love and didn't pick the healthiest choices.. and my weight progressed.. It has never really stopped.  Now my highest has been 356.  I have sleep apnea.  I have hurt my knee and still deal with that.  Stairs are hard.. this is my life.  I have not ever been able to run.. not even as a teen.. I remember having to run laps in PE and I couldn't breathe.. it was a very scary moment.. but I couldn't stop because I didn't want the PE teacher to yell at me..

This is normal for me.. I don't know anything else.. I certainly don't remember what it felt like during the ages 8-12.. although I do remember liking my shirts tucked in.. something I would never do in the future.  The other day I was filling out a form on webmd healthy eating site.. it asked me.. at what weight did you feel best as an adult.. umm.. how do I know?  I have never felt good as an adult!!!  Wow.. this is sad. 

With that being said..I weighed in at 331.5 this am.  Eating was not good.. I was stressing yesterday badly.  Today I rode for 20.. 3.08 miles..

maybe someday I will know what it feels like to be at a good weight. 

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Day 119

Ok, so not so great weigh in today.. 332.5 but hey, it could be worse!  Yesterday wasn't a great food day since Angel decided that he had to stop at McD's after Annaleah's ballet performace because he had to have a burger.. and we had lasagna cooking at home.. sigh

However, I did my bike this morning for 20 and that was about 3.05 miles this time.. yippee..  Also finished watching The biggest loser and set the vcr for tonight.  I can honestly say.. I don't think I could ever go on that show.. I seriously thought about it after watching the second season..but nope.. not interested now.. lol. 

Today I am going to at least post my food into spark.. I need to start seeing what I am eating. 

Monday, January 11, 2010

Day 118

Shocking!  I got on the scale today and it said.. 328  wow.. it has been 335 most of the week although last Monday was 333.5.  Definitely odd since I have not be watching my food nor biked since Thursday but hey.. I am so not complaining. 

I truly don't know what to do at this point.  Still can not buy healthy foods yet.. and I am craving good food which is odd.  I will not be biking today.. I woke up sick yesterday and although I feel better today I don't want to push it.  Tonight is my daughter's ballet -sneak a peek week, and I really want to be there. 

I did check out this site yesterday and there is alot of good articles here. I would like to get a menu in place for myself with some good made ahead recipes taken care of.  This weekend we can hopefully really shop. 

So I will just try to keep the eating in control today.. and bike tomorrow.. which I really need to do.  If anyone actually reads this.. keep me in prayer.  I really need to not give up. 

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Day 116

and totally not feeling it.  I seriously need to get back in control.. yet I have absolutely none.  I think one of the main issues is the food that is in this house.  There is nothing healthy here.. and what good things we may have.. needs to be spread out to last another week.  On pay day I must by good food!  Maybe I should plan some daily menu's for myself so I can see what I should have on hand.  Is it really supposed to be this hard? 

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Day 114

Watched more of TBL while biking.. I have to admit I cried, not when the blue and yellow team was being sent back home.. but when Jillian and Bob stopped the cars.. touching..

scale - 335
biked - 20 min, 2.80 miles..

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Day 113

So far scale still says 335.  I did get up and bike for 20 while watching the biggest loser.. I stopped it at the point where they discover they have to ride like 26 miles on the bike.. and two groups who don't are out.. wow.  I can barely get to 3 miles.. I can not even imagine 26!!

well, we have no more dough and no more dip.. two huge temptations that are gone.. thankfully!  I need to do better here.. it was tough to finish the 20 on the bike.. I can already tell that I am not feeling as good as I was before.  I need to get back on track!

*food wise.. not the greatest.. let's see

biked 20 min - 2.71miles
breakfast  -2 toast
lunch - 1.5 tuna sandwich with chips
dinner - general tso chicken w/ rice and 2 egg rolls
snack - 2 cookies, mini candy cane

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Totally lost it last night.. like seriously lost control.. I seem to remember chips, dip, salsa, couple of cookies and fried dough.. oh and cocoa.. I don't think I should stay up til 2am ever!!

So this morning I weighed in at 335..
I have started my tea.. it is a late start today but I will trudge through.. I can do this!!

*updated for food log
biked 20 min - 2.4 miles

Breakfast - 2 toast
Lunch - Pork sandwich, about 1/4 cup mac and cheese
snack - chocolate chip granola bar, 3 cookies
dinner - 1 cup rice, fried cabbage, 2 scrambled eggs
snack - chips and dip, fried dough.. bad bad..

Monday, January 4, 2010

Today is the start of the new year for me

I had my nieces all week.  They went home yesterday so I planned on starting new this morning.  I woke up and rode for 20 min.. 2.33  miles.. not as good but good start for me.  I also weighed in at 333.5  I am up 8lbs over the last 2 months.  But that is ok.. I will get back on track today! 

So far I had a cup of rice this morning with some butter. 
lunch was 1 slice of pizza (pepperoni and onion) and a chocolate chip bar. 
snack, 2 cookies and a small bag of corn chips
dinner plan is a beef pot pie..

not the greatest plan for today but I am writing it out which is a start. 

Friday, January 1, 2010

New Year's Day

weighed in today because a friend forced me to.. I had not desire to do so.  I cried while walking to the scale.  I weighed in at 333.5.. which is 8 lbs higher than my lowest.. however, I have been this weight before the holidays I am not disappointed.  It is time to get back on track. 

Breakfast - 6 mini chocolate chip muffins